When I didn’t know…

Hello dear reader. I know it’s been too long since I last posted and this isn’t a story or anything of the sort. They’re random thoughts but maybe you can gain a thing or two ahaha.

Carry on…

Let me begin by saying that I am no expert. I have no expertise in anything yet. Nothing at all, well except the little biochemistry and medical stuff I’m learning at school. All I’m writing here is purely what I experience and maybe for the sake of those who are also caught in the same situation and just do not know what to do about it. I know something you can do but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s what you should do. See what I did there? Can and should are two totally different words. Glad you get it!

So I’m just one of those ladies. I have decided that I know nothing about love and relationships because that’s the sheer truth, I DO NOT. I am a 19year-old and the only thing I keep telling myself is that I’m too young for that shit. Well I don’t know for how long I’ll be ‘too young’ but probably till the time is right and to be honest with you, I don’t know if that time is ever going to come. I’m hopeful though.

Mine isn’t a long story. It’s a very short one with too many versions. I read romance novels and wish I was that girl but the second it happens to me, I feel like crap. I want a guy that texts me good morning or makes a collection of videos for me stating the same, but when he does it pisses me the hell off. I want someone who calls me every time of the day to check up on me, but if he does I resent him because I wish he had better things to do than waste his airtime on me. I want someone who proposes to me. I want him to ask me if I’m willing to be his girlfriend or not but the one time a guy did that with a whole garden of roses I felt too embarrassed and ended up not saying yes. I couldn’t take it. I just stood there speechless, like an idiot, watched as other girls felt excited instead of me and almost shit my pants. I wished that river carried me away to some far away lake to not feel that embarrassment. It wasn’t pretty I tell you. I want a guy who would love me too much that he’d be feeling like shouting to the whole world about it, but then I just want to keep us private. Let everyone think that we solo, as long as you know you got me and I got you.

I can’t tell why I wish and want this, when deep down I want that. I dream of PDA, but when we’re in this please just walk on the other side of the road, don’t you dare try to hold my hand or wrap your arms around my waist or put your arm on my shoulders. I dream of drama, you know; you messing around and I going through your phone and finding fishy texts and photos, but when we’re in this its only peace I’ve had. I dream of us being that iconic couple that people are jealous of, but just allow me to call you by name. I’m not good at that “babe”, “honey”, and “sweetheart” nonsense… nah-ah. I suck at that.

But the past 2years I’ve been learning. Maybe I was too young for that shit.

There is and always will be a huge difference between true love and attraction. Whatever I was experiencing or maybe feeling (choose the vocabulary you like with regards to this) was merely a very intense but passing attraction, if I may. I had unrealistic expectations that just didn’t fit very well with my personality and lifestyle. I was getting into that thing I called relationship for all the wrong reasons. One time it was out of pity, the next out of rebellion, and then as an escape route and sometimes as a rebound or maybe outta peer pressure. And honestly, it was too exhausting and that resulted to my anger, embarrassment and lots of insecurities. 

Love needs to be as 1corinthians 13: 1-10 states. Patient, kind, long-suffering, trusting, tolerating and rejoicing in truth. My version was conceited, envious, angry, proud, rude, selfish, resentful and just wrong.

Always ask yourself these two questions…

Attractive? Yes! Suitable? Questionable… run away sister, run! It’ll ruin you.