Take me back

image

I don’t understand myself

I just don’t

Occasionally I lie clueless in bed

Knowing only one thing

That I want to be held by you again

That I miss when you tuck a piece of hair behind my ear

And lift my chin

I miss you looking into my hazel eyes

When you lean on my shoulder

And whisper that you’ll never let go

The sound vibrations make my blood boil

I know it’s cliché

But it sends shivers down my spine

Saliva suddenly escapes my mouth

And my throat becomes dry

My knees weaken

My legs cannot support my weight

I can barely stand on my own

My hands behave as if they’re lifeless

They can’t hold

My heart swells

If it weren’t made of elastic cardiac muscles

I swear it could explode

My breath is slowed

For a split second,

Not one part of me is functional

I think I die

I can’t think

I can’t breathe

I can’t see

I’m motionless

But then I spring back to life when you wrap me in your arms

The only place I believe I belong

But this is all in my head

Because we can’t do this anymore

I can’t do this anymore

A tear flows freely down my cheek

And I lie in bed again

I don’t understand myself

I just don’t

But I know that

I miss the safety

The protection

The homely feeling

The sensation

I miss you.

By laurahstar.

Picture credit:
http://www.condenaststore.com/-sp/A-smiley-face-lies-in-bed-next-to-him-is-a-water-glass-with-his-line-dra-New-Yorker-Cartoon-Prints_i8542053_.htm

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I may not be the strongest but I’ll be damned if I don’t work the hardest.

If someone was to walk in on me today, completely extempore, random, anywhere; in a mall, classroom, house, I bet they’ll report back that I can’t be extolled as the strongest person around. That’s true. It’s obvious! At least not physically. However, I don’t think I’m a dunce or emotionally weak at least those sectors are well taken care of. But none with a dint of pride because even those that are mentally and emotionally handicapped didn’t choose that for themselves. It just sort of happened or were born with it.

Well in my opinion, strength sometimes isn’t an choice. Sometimes we decide to put on a brave face to keep up with a facade that we’re doing alright. Other people just can’t. The fire inside just gets too fierce. Their scars become deeply incinerated, their doubts grow and fear bursts out of it seams. They get consumed  in their sorrows, despair, depression, name it. They tend to show their weakness and vulnerability. Physical strength may be a choice though. But then I think what of those that have defective muscles and weak bones?

Let me speak for myself. One thing that I’ve learnt is that choices have power. What you have no power over, can be but that which  can be worked on, I beckon myself not to be a lazy ass. That which I can do, I won’t let myself give half cooked results. I ain’t too strong physically but I’ll be damned if I don’t try to. More often than not I imagine my forefathers, before the era of mechanization, there weren’t knives or guns or arrows, how did they protect themselves? Punches and kicks? Karate? Taekwondo? I fancy that. I pursue that type of strength everyday because its something I’m short of. Not because I want to be Arnold Schwarzenegger or the likes. No! But because it gives me grace to step out of my comfort zone. I believe that I’ll need it so badly one day like a drowning person longs for air. I’m not just trying to work the hardest, I’m doing it with all my zeal and zest.

GRATITUDE.

Finally! 2015 is a wrap people and if it was good for you, it was great for me. This has been a year like no other. Unique in its own way. Event after event, occasion after occasion, season after season. Inspite of much upheaval that has happened both in my country and around the world, I choose to look back at the positive things that happened to me.

Firstly, I’m very thankful for my family that has been very very supportive every step of the way. Thank you for the love you’ve shown me.

Secondly, I appreciate all the great friends I made this year. Those that understood that I’m not perfect and that I make tons of mistakes but stuck with me anyway. In joy and sadness, in happiness and depression, in good times and bad they were with me. They showed me no matter what we can still make it. They made it known to me that a lady needs to have a good time and that one of the bad things that can happen to one is failing to do all the crazy things while young. That’s just paving way for quarter and middle life crisis.
To my girlfriends,
Thank you for showing me that there’s more to life than just butterflies and rainbows, fancy dresses and heels, mascara and lipgloss. You are pure gold in my eyes. Each of you has a pure heart that amazes me everyday. Tichi, for capturing every moment of our 2015 life as it unfolded. You are my selfie queen. If people say that a picture is worth 1000 words, then ours speaks a million paragraphs. You have a huge heart. Hope, you’re the true definition of your name. Thank you for teaching me persistence and being my workout buddy and at times my academic partner. I look forward to losing many more calories this coming year and watching hundreds of movies and to memorizing and burning midnight oil. Esther, the goddess of love and fun. You tiny sweet little thing. What can I do without you? Thank you for showing me how music and dance soothes and calms the soul and mind. To greater moments of fun this coming year. Mercy, we may not be two peas in a pod but maybe the fact that we lack a sense of immediacy is what we connect on. You taught me that a girl wearing earphones is shutting herself from the world and wants to be left alone. Faith and Sophy, you ladies are the best. I go to sleep with a smile on my face every night because of you and my weekends couldn’t’ve been what they were without you guys. Best roommates, can’t wait for more laughter. Cynthia, wow. Your intelligence, your painfully creative skills, tolerance, pessimism and undying appetite for education and support, all rounded up in one individual with a fantastic personality. Thank you for being a friend always. You are an amazing writer and thanks fo the most important lesson this year; you can’t keep a good man down. Gabriella, I truly admire you. You have been winds in my wings. Thank you for believing in my abilities and pushing me up my career ladder.
The list can go on and on but I’ll apologize upfront for failing to mention you my dear ones. I notice I haven’t acknowledged my guy friends. All in all, you’ve all been air to my lungs.

Furthermore, this year I began blogging. It’s not been an easy journey but I’ve gotten the opportunity to read some amazing blogs. If I could just mention a few; a cooking pot and twisted tales, dearlilyjune, of life she writes etc.

Lastly and the most important of them all, I thank the almighty God for giving me life, health and love. I can now look forward to 2016.