Waiting

Do you know what it’s like being in solitary confinement?

Just the feeling?

I know you don’t

But I do because you’ve put me through it

When one is deprived of

Sunshine

The external environment

Human interaction

When one is treated like a caged animal

Like they don’t deserve to live

Like they live on loaned air

And the only right they have is of them being alive or dead

What’s the point in living anyway?

What’s the point in fighting so hard for someone you know you’ll never have?

In holding onto a love that already faded?

In listening to love songs when you know you’ll never have love?

What’s the point in breathing?

When the only breath I want to feel is yours in my ear

Is there a point in longing to get out?

In wishing to see the rest of the world?

I’d rather not live

Than live to see another day in a world where you aren’t with me

I’d rather stay in here if I have to

And be insane

Go mental

Than leave and be constantly tortured by the image of you with her

Do you even know what it does to me?

To my soul?

You probably don’t

Because you can’t understand something you’ve never felt

You can’t comprehend something you never knew

It truly is detrimental in here

But it’s a price I’m willing to pay

In hope that you’ll be mine again

Even if that little candle of hope is slowly burning out

And soon all this will just be some stupid history and I’ll be the foolish persona

DON’T JUST SAY IT, MEAN IT!

In this world of today, the word sorry has become trite and flippant. Often we say. But do we really mean it? From what depths does it come? Do we count each and every letter and feel how heavy they way?

Sometimes it may just come as an impulse. You stepped on someone’s foot? Oh sorry and you go on with your life. What if underneath that unpolished shoe was a wound that was on the verge of healing and by you stepping on it, it opens? Do you know how much pain the victim will be in? To undergo an ordeal all over again? So sad. What ifyou ruined someone’s pedicure that was so expensive and it actually took them some months to save up just so they could afford it?

5letters of the alphabet but once said can end world wars. Once said can mend broken hearts and uplift  weakened spirits. Once said can wipe away tears and bring back lost joy. So small but carries an enormous weight. Don’t just say it, mean it!

AUNT EMILY. 💔

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That knock on the door, two light taps like a caress on soft skin could only be Simon. I ran to the door and without hesitation let it open all the way. It was him alright but he wasn’t alone. Immediately I saw that steady gaze of the girl standing next to him, I knew who she was and I really didn’t want to be here at this moment. Even as I smiled and moved away from the entrance to allow them in, I wished I hadn’t been in quite a rush to the door. They both went right past me and stood in the living room. I could feel those hard eyes gaze at my face, do a quick body scan before lingering on my face again for an uncomfortably long time. I avoided her gaze in the hope that she wouldn’t view me as a huge threat and get openly hostile. Simon took her hand and was grateful that he had managed  to divert her attention from me until he said,
“Baby, she’s aunt Emily. ”

She walked over to the sofa and spread out then my worst fear came  true. She looked right into my eyes. Eyes the same liquid brown as Simon’s only hers had golden flecks around the edges and they were hard now as she replied,
“I know her.”
Then she laughed sarcastically.

“I wouldn’t call my girlfriend that though if I were you dad. She may get aggravated. And she’d be right to cause a scene.” Then Simon was gone and I was all alone. I felt trapped like in a pit maybe, somewhere I couldn’t leave though I wanted to with everything I had. And she just kept staring as the clock kept ticking by, a second…then minutes.

“You’re really pretty. I mean with those big eyes, red lips, brown skin.” she stated this unexpectedly.

“Thank You. I’m going to the kitchen to bring us some food. You’re welcome to our house. ” I breathed the words although I could certainly detect the insincerity in my own voice. I rushed out to the bathroom even as her words assaulted my ears.
“It’s my dad’s house. Not yours. So… You don’t have to act like you want me here.” I sat on the toilet seat and looked into the mirror. I couldn’t see those big eyes, the red mouth or even the brown skin. All I could see was the pathetic person I had turned into all because of love. At least that is what I believe I felt for  my Simon. My Simon…my Simon…my…And i couldn’t hold back anymore. I covered my mouth with my hands as the wailing began and each time I wanted to stop, I just couldn’t. I poured my heart out to my hands coz they were the only thing that was actually mine…my hands…my hands. And just like that the tears stopped flowing.

“Honey, I’m going to be gone for some time. So just stay here and try not to be any trouble to your aunt Emily.” Simon told his daughter though they both chorused the ‘to your aunt Emily’ part. I didn’t even get a glance from Simon, maybe because he didn’t want things to get more awkward than they already were.

“You went to the kitchen to get some food but came back empty handed. Was that just a ploy to avoid me? Coz I know I’m not a very pleasant person to be around”.

“No.” I said  as I made up my mind to stick  to monosyllables when talking to her to avoid any serious confrontations.

“Let’s do this again. I haven’t been fair to you. I came here already with a plan to go on the offensive. My name is Stacie. I’m nineteen. My dad is your boyfriend. How old are you again? I didn’t catch your age.”she said with a loop-sided grin meant to make me squirm in my seat and I hated that it worked.

“I’m being rude again. I’m not supposed to ask a lady her age. Take a seat, I want to give you a chance to tell your story.” I sat opposite her as I wondered when Simon would be back.

“Looks like I’m going to be doing most of the talking. You’re probably hoping that if you’re  silent I’ll get tired of attacking you. And then maybe you can finally be at peace. Emily, I’m not your enemy. I want to help you.” She said before going silent reluctantly. My lips moved with a “how..?”

“You know I’m glad that you realize you  have a problem. You’re average-brained but you don’t want to get yourself a job. You’ve moved in with a married guy. You do know my mom is still alive and Simon hasn’t gotten a divorce yet, right?”

“Yes.”

“Listen, you’re in your mid thirties. You look at yourself in the mirror and you notice that your face gets less striking everyday. Your breasts are getting  flabby and your skin isn’t so soft anymore and even when you wear tight jeans or a really short dress there’s no cat-calling. All eligible guys are married and if not they’re way too young for you. The divorced guys were unfaithful and you don’t want this for yourself. All available guys probably think you’re already married and won’t hit on you. So you settled for Simon. A perfect married man, who already has a family but promised you he’d leave them for you because he loves you and to him you’re more important than anything in the world. How’s that for a summary of your story?” I swallowed loudly as I felt the tears come creeping up again.

“Well I guess that was precisely who you are. I want a divorce for my mom’s sake coz she deserves better. And so do you Emily even if you don’t think so. So help me get my mom a divorce and you can finally have Simon all to your self.”

“Really?” My eyes shamefully lit up.

“So I was right afterall. You’re just another girl shacking up with a married man hoping that one day he’ll realize how much you love him and leave his family for you.” She smiled at me observing every single expression on my face. I had never been humiliated quite as much as this (not even when her mother had called me a gold-digger before a crowd of my family and friends). She was narrowing me down to a cliché of mistresses hoping to be more than just the other woman and the worst part was that I knew she was right!

“So Emily as I said before, I’m going to help you. My mom won’t leave him and not because she loves him but because she’s invested so much into this marriage; she loaned him money,gave him kids… not that you’d understand that since you’re contributing nothing financially. Since my mom doesn’t want a divorce and Simon hasn’t asked for one either….” she lingered with this thought as she walked into our bedroom, picked my suitcase and started shoving all my belongings in.

“You’re going to have to leave now. Before Simon comes back. I’m sure you’ll thank me one day when you have your own man who’s really willing to leave everything for you.” As my suitcase went tumbling down the staircase, I could imagine myself walking out the door and the only thing on my mind would be for Simon to stop me, tell me he loved me and that all I had to say was the word and he’d ask for a divorce from Rebecca.

“I’m pregnant.” I told her and the look in her eyes turned from cold to something I couldn’t quite decipher. It was disappointment. Like I had somehow betrayed her by pulling a knife right through her chest.

(This post was written by one of my close and cherished friends; CYNTHIA 😍😙. I helped though😁)