Take me back

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I don’t understand myself

I just don’t

Occasionally I lie clueless in bed

Knowing only one thing

That I want to be held by you again

That I miss when you tuck a piece of hair behind my ear

And lift my chin

I miss you looking into my hazel eyes

When you lean on my shoulder

And whisper that you’ll never let go

The sound vibrations make my blood boil

I know it’s cliché

But it sends shivers down my spine

Saliva suddenly escapes my mouth

And my throat becomes dry

My knees weaken

My legs cannot support my weight

I can barely stand on my own

My hands behave as if they’re lifeless

They can’t hold

My heart swells

If it weren’t made of elastic cardiac muscles

I swear it could explode

My breath is slowed

For a split second,

Not one part of me is functional

I think I die

I can’t think

I can’t breathe

I can’t see

I’m motionless

But then I spring back to life when you wrap me in your arms

The only place I believe I belong

But this is all in my head

Because we can’t do this anymore

I can’t do this anymore

A tear flows freely down my cheek

And I lie in bed again

I don’t understand myself

I just don’t

But I know that

I miss the safety

The protection

The homely feeling

The sensation

I miss you.

By laurahstar.

Picture credit:
http://www.condenaststore.com/-sp/A-smiley-face-lies-in-bed-next-to-him-is-a-water-glass-with-his-line-dra-New-Yorker-Cartoon-Prints_i8542053_.htm

SOLITUDE.

The Swahili saying goes: asiye funzwa na mamaye hufunzwa na ulimwengu (if your mother doesn’t teach you, the world will). The very reason I don’t point fingers at my parents for not teaching me this because there’s only so much they can guide me through. I however wish someone told me. I truly wish someone was damned enough to tell me if not guide me. All the people that claimed to be my so called friends uttered no word. They did not warn me. I keep asking myself where the goddamn world was when I fell into this hell hole. Sod world! Why didn’t you say something.

Each of them (you) faded to nothingness as this happened. Opaque, translucent and before I could comprehend the situation I was trapped in, transparent and invisible. Surely, a little heads up would’ve been nice. I walked in circles, day and night, midnight through to noon. Never really felt an urge to go far because I thought we all were in this together. I was always scared of the rain. While you made merriment in it, tears welled up in my eyes. It washed away yours, but created mine. During the bright sunny days, while you laid and rolled in the green fields, enjoyed the blue skies and swam in the cool waters, all I felt were deep burns on my forehead and shoulders. My feet and fingers would always swell like crazy. When the wind blew, I hated it! It wasn’t a nice ticklish feeling as it made its way through my hair. It didn’t make cute whistles in my ears. It irritated me. Blew sand in my eyes, made dunes over me. I was always the lone wolf that died as the pack survived when the snow fell and white winds blew. Yet no one told me. I had no assurance. To not like what everyone liked wasn’t normal.

I walked around this hole constantly and consistently and finally fell in it. Thanks to your poor guidance. And that isn’t even the worst part. Falling into this pit, it swallowing me as all of you disappeared into thin air, my world shattering right in front of my eyes and knowing there isn’t anything I’d do, that, that was the worst part. All I did and could do was stare blankly as the events unfolded. At first it was unbearable. Torturous. Horrifying. Appalling. I was unprepared and I was crushing. I cried myself to sleep all night long every night. Tried talking to people. Extracting advice. Trying too hard to fix something I didn’t even know was or wasn’t. Sometimes I thought insanity had really gotten to me. I thought I was becoming mental or something. All my attempts at blending into the world failed miserably. Sometimes I felt suicidal and depressed and awful beyond measure. I took long walks, meditated, medicated in attempt to curb this. Poor me. I thought it was loneliness.

My breakthrough moment was when I realised I didn’t hate my own company, I just was scared of not having people around. When I understood that they didn’t help much anyway, I got over it! It was a foolish and greedy yearning to look up to others to satisfy my unfilling desires and pump up my ego. To have so many friends that I can only touch with my hands and not heart is pointless and impending doom towards disappointment.
Heck its Friday night or Saturday night but all I’m gonna do is lay here alone. Yes, here. With my hot coffee and a tv series. My bed will be my refuge. I will crawl into it, between my sheets, curl my back and entertain myself after looking at the stars. Having absolutely no reckoning to the overwhelming stimulatory activities that back then I so madly indulged in, in pursuit of pleasure and acceptance at the expense of peace, reputation and reason. It was in desperation to fit in that I involved myself and in the same desperation I escape.

All I needed was for someone to tell me or warn me solitude is fine and good, just maybe not right and there is a fine line between solitude and loneliness. As you dream, so shall You live- alone, but its still going to be okay.
(This is only out of creativity not entirely true events)

YEARNING.

Let me take the lead today. I want to show you something. Something you’ve probably ever seen before and experienced it perhaps but let me share the story today. Let me tell it. A listening ear, observatory eyes, a face that shys not (I need those reactions, okay?) and thereafter a feedback, can you give me that?

Thank you.

See that lady over there? The lightskin lady in glasses. No, not that one. The tall, skinny one with boxer braids. Yes! Yes! The one in high waist pants. She’s really pretty, isn’t she? Yeah. Those cheeks, long neck… her figure is to die for! I love her style as well. She can rock guys’ clad and still bring a feminine side to it. Love!

I thought you’d ask. What’s that got to do with anything?
Do you really think I’d begin with that whole introduction if it hadn’t a thing to do with everything? Of course not. Well, she’s more or less like me. Yes! That reaction tells me you’re wondering how. Like me, she’s one person that also believes in genuine friendship, has those high expectations of friends, loves and cherishes her own, she’d actually  die for you if she felt that you’re a real amiga. People once thought she’s had a perfect life until she started telling her stories. You know, people love hanging out with her and around her. She’s a very friendly person really but more often than not likes to be alone. When around people she does light up, laughter is her medicine. But these people that like being around her used to say she didn’t care. Sometimes she just wouldn’t be there for them like when they first started. She’d distance herself, take long walks alone in the woods, eat by herself, live far away. Sometimes she’d be around them but zone out. This is unlike the first times they met her.

What they don’t know is that she’s been really lonely for a very long time. When she meets new people who want to be friends with her, she gives them the chance. That’s why she’s always so good when you first meet. She’ll show you love, visit you often, popup with gifts. She’ll be there for you no matter what. The problem though is that with time she’ll expect the same from you. She’ll want you to trust her as well, she’ll want you to talk to her, sort of make her feel wanted and a priority. It’s not just a one way traffic.
But guess what?! Yeah, every single time she does that, she ends up disappointed and heartbroken. She hurts so bad, starts coming up with things in her head, asks those long chains of questions and finally ends up letting go.  So in her healing, she gets away, shuts for some time and when she eventually accepts that you’re just like anyone else, cruel humans, she’ll come around only this time not as a friend but as someone she just “knows”.

Still wondering why she’s standing there sort of alone?
Why she’s staring thoughtfully in the air?
Why she isn’t engaging very actively with them?
Why she’s occasionally laughing so hard at things that aren’t even funny?
Why she’s looking around hoping for someone to see how lonely she is?
She feels left out. Just trying to fit back in.

Do you think she’ll be okay? Will I be?