Waiting

Do you know what it’s like being in solitary confinement?

Just the feeling?

I know you don’t

But I do because you’ve put me through it

When one is deprived of

Sunshine

The external environment

Human interaction

When one is treated like a caged animal

Like they don’t deserve to live

Like they live on loaned air

And the only right they have is of them being alive or dead

What’s the point in living anyway?

What’s the point in fighting so hard for someone you know you’ll never have?

In holding onto a love that already faded?

In listening to love songs when you know you’ll never have love?

What’s the point in breathing?

When the only breath I want to feel is yours in my ear

Is there a point in longing to get out?

In wishing to see the rest of the world?

I’d rather not live

Than live to see another day in a world where you aren’t with me

I’d rather stay in here if I have to

And be insane

Go mental

Than leave and be constantly tortured by the image of you with her

Do you even know what it does to me?

To my soul?

You probably don’t

Because you can’t understand something you’ve never felt

You can’t comprehend something you never knew

It truly is detrimental in here

But it’s a price I’m willing to pay

In hope that you’ll be mine again

Even if that little candle of hope is slowly burning out

And soon all this will just be some stupid history and I’ll be the foolish persona

Take me back

image

I don’t understand myself

I just don’t

Occasionally I lie clueless in bed

Knowing only one thing

That I want to be held by you again

That I miss when you tuck a piece of hair behind my ear

And lift my chin

I miss you looking into my hazel eyes

When you lean on my shoulder

And whisper that you’ll never let go

The sound vibrations make my blood boil

I know it’s cliché

But it sends shivers down my spine

Saliva suddenly escapes my mouth

And my throat becomes dry

My knees weaken

My legs cannot support my weight

I can barely stand on my own

My hands behave as if they’re lifeless

They can’t hold

My heart swells

If it weren’t made of elastic cardiac muscles

I swear it could explode

My breath is slowed

For a split second,

Not one part of me is functional

I think I die

I can’t think

I can’t breathe

I can’t see

I’m motionless

But then I spring back to life when you wrap me in your arms

The only place I believe I belong

But this is all in my head

Because we can’t do this anymore

I can’t do this anymore

A tear flows freely down my cheek

And I lie in bed again

I don’t understand myself

I just don’t

But I know that

I miss the safety

The protection

The homely feeling

The sensation

I miss you.

By laurahstar.

Picture credit:
http://www.condenaststore.com/-sp/A-smiley-face-lies-in-bed-next-to-him-is-a-water-glass-with-his-line-dra-New-Yorker-Cartoon-Prints_i8542053_.htm

Abuse.

That girl
I don’t know why she’s sitting in that corner
Crumbled up
Her head buried into her knees
Her arms holding it steadily on them
Her oversized white chiffon blouse is soaked with tears
Those blue rugged jeans seem dirtier than earlier
Her cardigan wraps her wearily
Some buttons on it are torn off
Like someone struggled with them
And pulled them off with much force
I can see the pink threads protruding
Her hair is way messier
The navy blue hairband doesn’t hold it back anymore
It lays diagonally across her head
Letting her fringes stray
And the longer hair into her face
She’s pale
Those tears definitely messed her mascara
It runs down her cheeks
The pink blush now looks gray
Just like her world I assume
Her nose is red
So are her ears
And her right cheek
I think someone whacked her
Close to her hairline theres a cut
Its not big
But the waterfall of blood
It must be deep
She rubs her eyes
Making a somewhat black umbra around them
Then she runs her fingers through her hair
But it doesn’t straighten
She almost catches me staring at her
I look away towards the door
Just then I see a man giving her an angry look
Its josh!
That son of a bitch.
He pretended to love my friend Rachael
But that wasn’t love
It was a prison he threw her in
Cuffed her in chains so heavy she couldn’t escape
The beatings, the abuse
I’m going to punch the shit out of his face
But then I stop
Should I interfere?
He runs out on spotting me

Determination.

I stare into the rain

As each drop falls to the ground

I am reminded of how time is flying by so fast

Each drop, a second

When it drops and soaks into the ground

As it disappears completely

I liken it to time

Once gone cannot be recovered

My mind goes adrift

To the gazillion things that I want to accomplish

Before when and where

I carefully examine the time frames

The seasons and reasons

The visions and missions

I begin to calculate the hours and pin each goal to its own

In my mind I see resources

At this time I don’t exactly understand why I make excuses and blame resources on all my shortcomings in real life

In my head success is at arm’s length

I question why it seems miles away out here

As I imagine the successful me

Wearing this and that

Travelling from here to there

Inspiring him and her

Uplifting them

Not needing no introductions as my work speaks for itself

I wonder what it is that I’m doing to reach there

Two different personas

Same world

One hardworking, the other lazier than ever

One successful, the other miserable

One a leader, the other a lousy servant

Separated by a narrow alley

And the only foot bridge there is, is determination

I walk backwards away from the window

Still staring a that small long bridge

Some of its wood is missing

And how vigorously its shaking in this storm

Sort of scares me

I begin to doubt again, is the grass really greener on the other side?

Just then Val walks in shouting,
“There’s only one way to find out!”

Communication.

I have said words

A thousand of them per minute

I have used tonal variation

High pitch when angry
And low and gentle when in a good mood

I have used body movements

Haven’t you seen me sit in certain postures?

Seen me chew my nails once in a while?

Changes in the way I eat, talk or walk or even laugh during some occasions ?

I have used facial expressions

Huge grins

Pushed my lower lip outward

Wrinkled my forehead

Widened my eyes

For goodness sake! I have used gestures

I even tried mimicry

Why is it that you never understand me?

It seems like you never hear me let alone listen

Like you’re deaf to my noises

Doesn’t matter whether they’re constructive or destructive

Do you not see me?

Because sometimes it doesn’t feel like it

You don’t seem to appreciate my fashion sense

You don’t even notice when I change!

When I’m not okay

In sorrow

In depression

When I want you to be here

I don’t feel like you ever are

Darling,
When will you look into my eyes and ask me what it is that bothers me?

When will you hold my hand and assure me that you will hold it to the end?

When will you let me walk in front  you and whisper that you got my back?

When will you hug me and let it just be the two of us?

When will you wipe out my make up and tell me that I look beautiful without it?

When will I be visible to you again?

Huh?

When will you prioritize us?

Is it that I don’t know how to communicate with or to you?

Is it that I do it in a language you don’t comprehend?

Or in a way you aren’t comfortable with?

Honestly,
I am tired

I am tired of struggling

Trying to paint myself in those bold colours so that I can be visible in your eyes

If we truly are one, this should be as frustrating to you as it is to me
Please talk to me or better still teach me

I’m willing

FATHERS DAY.

Children are born each and every day in this world
And on those days many males become fathers
But only a few become dads
Because this is a special lot
One that sees and comprehends the importance of being there for their sons and daughters
Of holding their hands through thick and thin
Of stressing the fundamentals of the game
How to play
And how to play it right.

Dad please hold my hand
Don’t let go coz I don’t yet know how to walk on my own
I’m just starting to fly
I have so much to learn
I want to follow in your footsteps
And what better way than to learn from you
I make mistakes along the way, I get it everyone does
You scold me
But never cease to speak your words that are filled with nothing but wisdom
To take it or throw it, you let me
That’s how nothing short of selfless you are
And your experiences have given you the gift of patience.

God made you strong, protective, brave
Because he knew that with every step we take and every move we make would come great obstacles
A guider who wouldn’t dare go astray for fear that we’d go the selfsame way,
He gifted us.
I know,
As high as the mountains can be
As vast as the seas can go
And as deep as the oceans can dig
All you ever pray is that we succeed and venture only where eagles dare.

DAD,
This is to all the days I saw the sunrise upon the treetops
To all the night’s I didn’t go to bed hungry
All the evenings I had a shoulder to cry on
The days I didn’t miss school because you paid all my fees
The good and bad decisions I made and learnt from
And the times I didn’t miss a thing coz You provided it
A show of appreciation for your never-ending love.

For all its worth and the times I left it unsaid,
Dad,
THANK YOU!