So many doors will be slammed in your face, they will say you’re not good enough, smart enough, creative enough name it, but if you’re not where you want to be, KEEP KNOCKING!
The best knows no alternative.
Life is an endless journey of struggles; if you stop struggling you’re finished.
Hello dear reader. I know it’s been too long since I last posted and this isn’t a story or anything of the sort. They’re random thoughts but maybe you can gain a thing or two ahaha.
Let me begin by saying that I am no expert. I have no expertise in anything yet. Nothing at all, well except the little biochemistry and medical stuff I’m learning at school. All I’m writing here is purely what I experience and maybe for the sake of those who are also caught in the same situation and just do not know what to do about it. I know something you can do but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s what you should do. See what I did there? Can and should are two totally different words. Glad you get it!
So I’m just one of those ladies. I have decided that I know nothing about love and relationships because that’s the sheer truth, I DO NOT. I am a 19year-old and the only thing I keep telling myself is that I’m too young for that shit. Well I don’t know for how long I’ll be ‘too young’ but probably till the time is right and to be honest with you, I don’t know if that time is ever going to come. I’m hopeful though.
Mine isn’t a long story. It’s a very short one with too many versions. I read romance novels and wish I was that girl but the second it happens to me, I feel like crap. I want a guy that texts me good morning or makes a collection of videos for me stating the same, but when he does it pisses me the hell off. I want someone who calls me every time of the day to check up on me, but if he does I resent him because I wish he had better things to do than waste his airtime on me. I want someone who proposes to me. I want him to ask me if I’m willing to be his girlfriend or not but the one time a guy did that with a whole garden of roses I felt too embarrassed and ended up not saying yes. I couldn’t take it. I just stood there speechless, like an idiot, watched as other girls felt excited instead of me and almost shit my pants. I wished that river carried me away to some far away lake to not feel that embarrassment. It wasn’t pretty I tell you. I want a guy who would love me too much that he’d be feeling like shouting to the whole world about it, but then I just want to keep us private. Let everyone think that we solo, as long as you know you got me and I got you.
I can’t tell why I wish and want this, when deep down I want that. I dream of PDA, but when we’re in this please just walk on the other side of the road, don’t you dare try to hold my hand or wrap your arms around my waist or put your arm on my shoulders. I dream of drama, you know; you messing around and I going through your phone and finding fishy texts and photos, but when we’re in this its only peace I’ve had. I dream of us being that iconic couple that people are jealous of, but just allow me to call you by name. I’m not good at that “babe”, “honey”, and “sweetheart” nonsense… nah-ah. I suck at that.
But the past 2years I’ve been learning. Maybe I was too young for that shit.
There is and always will be a huge difference between true love and attraction. Whatever I was experiencing or maybe feeling (choose the vocabulary you like with regards to this) was merely a very intense but passing attraction, if I may. I had unrealistic expectations that just didn’t fit very well with my personality and lifestyle. I was getting into that thing I called relationship for all the wrong reasons. One time it was out of pity, the next out of rebellion, and then as an escape route and sometimes as a rebound or maybe outta peer pressure. And honestly, it was too exhausting and that resulted to my anger, embarrassment and lots of insecurities.
Love needs to be as 1corinthians 13: 1-10 states. Patient, kind, long-suffering, trusting, tolerating and rejoicing in truth. My version was conceited, envious, angry, proud, rude, selfish, resentful and just wrong.
Always ask yourself these two questions…
Attractive? Yes! Suitable? Questionable… run away sister, run! It’ll ruin you.
Know your goal and put your eye on the price; you’re gonna get there.
Venture where eagles dare.
However all is not lost. One fine holiday you post a ‘swagallicious’ photo of you on facebook and in no time that guy you’ve been eyeing hits the like button and rushes to your inbox before the dust settles on that like button. A hey here and there, some late night chats, flirty comments here and there on every photo you post and in no time contacts are exchanged for further chats. You know the drill. A few weeks down the line he invites you out on a date at a park with a nice bench to sit and watch the sun go down as you talk about life. It’s picture perfect. You notice that on this particular day there’s something different about him; he’s cautious and looks like there’s something on his mind. He’s also really smart dressed in this sheep clothing and cunning hat to complete the look before popping the question: will you be my girl friend? You give an excited yes! And that’s WHEN IT HAPPENS: your first kiss. Leaves you as high as a kite! On that night you sleep on puffy clouds right next to angels singing you a lullaby while playing their harps. At last you join the dating pool. When people talk about my boyfriend this and that, you do have a say in those conversations. You graduated from the spectators club. If only you knew that being a spectator was a myriad times better than being in this relationships ship. It all waxes so well, you’ve never felt happier. You notice that all those love songs that sounded like broken records are actually very deep songs that you can relate to. You fill your playlist with them; most of the songs are from him, sometimes a song every night from him as a dedication during the holidays. Turns out Shakespeare aren’t dumb stuff after all, turns out his pieces are sensible and thou can understand what he speaketh in his poems.
Tragedy is forgetting that after the moon waxes it must wan too. On the next holiday you go back home and after you’ve settled down and eaten all you can, you dial his number excitedly. He picks up alright but his excitement doesn’t match up yours. He sounds “okay”. There’s no “hey babe I missed you so much!” his enthusiasm can be compared to that of a mortuary attendant. During this holiday communication is less and dull and You are the one pushing most of it, but you hold on because he’s probably going through a rough patch you tell yourself, everyone has those days. Since you’re still the smart girl you’ve always been you decide to meet him up to find out what is going on. A meeting is arranged and the day comes and you ask him the question that every girl at one point in their life will ask,
“So where is this relationship headed to?” he looks away.
“Jesse?” now he’s looking at you bewildered like the question was from outer space.
“look, it’s not you, its-“ and right there and then you want to bite his head off literally because you know what he wants to say next and are so disappointed that he chose to follow the cliché. Would a little originality kill him? Certainly you deserve a little more dignity than that. He goes on to tell you how he has been to the doctor and he was told he has blue balls and its either he goes all the way or does nothing at all. It is then that you join the dots as to why all this is happening. It’s unfortunate that you’re wise because sometimes ignorance is bliss. He can’t be with you if you’re not going to give him the cookie. All these doctor shenanigans are probably a report from a doctor alright, a witch doctor to be precise. So all this time he was investing in you was to get returns. Sex returns. It breaks your heart because he was your first love (or what we tend to think it is) and you had given it your all but had chosen to remain pure because your principles dictate that fornication is a sin and you’re not ready for the consequences. You go back home with a very broken heart, it hurts so bad that you want to rip it off your chest just for a while so you can breathe; but you have to put on a brave façade in front of your mother since you live in ngong hills not Beverly hills’. Telling your mother you have a boyfriend while still in high school would only result to her slapping the daylights out of you. Brevity is your only option. You’ll take this like a man. Only that most of your mornings are occupied with wringing your pillow dry from all the tears it soaked last night. Your playlist is filled with Adele’s songs and your favorite being Toni Braxton’s unbreak my heart. You can sing all its lyrics, including the sighs that Toni interjects with and play all the chords in that song. At this point you are certain that Toni composed that song in readiness for your heartbreak. Looks like your fate was long ago decided and the die was cast way before you could spell the word chinkororo.
It may feel like your heart has wounds that can neither be healed nor stitched. At one point you’ll say you’ve sworn off men. I come bearing good news: you can move on, you will move on. This is a story of many girls out there. That’s how I know that you can move on past this, because it’s part of the motions of every girls’ life. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but it’s going to happen. One day you’ll wake up and realize that the sun looks brighter that day and there’s no sad feeling tugging at your heart strings anymore. You are not the first person to have settled for less so don’t beat yourself up too hard, okay? Just take the lesson, forgive yourself and move on. And no, you haven’t lost the love of your life. I haven’t met this Jesse guy but I can tell you for free that he isn’t the one. How do I know this? I’m a fortune teller and I can see your future. I can also see that if you continue eating all those fries you’ll develop some love handles, and those don’t go so well with a bikini. Okay, I’m not a fortune teller; But I know that such compromises are not because of love. You made the right choice by not giving in to his demands. You dodged a bullet. Many bullets actually. Lets name a few: you escaped being on his body count statistics, you escaped the deeper heartache of knowing that you were used and loosed, you escaped not keeping yourself pure till you say I do to the man that the Almighty ordained for you. Above all you escaped wasting more of your precious time with someone whose intentions with you were equal to that of a wolf left in charge of sheep. And no, you weren’t uptight. You never were. You just knew what you wanted out of life and somehow that got corrupted because sometimes we hear things from close associates and gradually, like tiny seeds, they’re planted and if it happens long enough, they start germinating in our heads. These seeds are weeds and they need to be uprooted; and this is why we need to be wary of the company we keep. We’ve all heard the adage that we turn into the five people we hang out with. It’s as true as it can be. Sometimes we have this confidence in ourselves that no one can influence us. Remember they are small tiny seeds, you don’t see it happening, like ships passing in the night silently, you won’t notice it happening but it doesn’t mean it’s not happening. If that’s not convincing enough then let me back it up with the good book. We can never go wrong with it, yes? Now, by quoting the bible I don’t intend to lock out those of other faith, I’m just speaking the language I’m more conversant with. “Do not be deceived, bad company ruins good morals”-1st cor. 15; 33. I’ll leave it at that.